#1000 Speak : Family Bullying


Top Post on IndiBlogger-When a child observes a parent lashing out on the other,witness plates crashing and silent crying, its bullying that he's observing.

-When a dusky bride is told pointedly not to wear pink ..its bullying.
-When a fair bride is laughed or questioned at wearing orange - its bullying.
-When people at her new 'home' make fun of her for being too educated/less educated, too shy/too confident .. its bullying. 
-When a child  is called names for a silly mistake by own family and close-friends repeatedly, publicly - its bullying.

So, who says bullying starts in playgrounds ? 
NO.
Much before than that, bullies are created in their formative years .
Like charity , bullying starts at home.



SCENE 1
I was a witness to it.
doting Grand-mum (she keeps the grandson from 9 to 4) and a loving uncle jokes repeatedly with the two year old "See,how your Mom is, she leaves you alone ,while she goes out all dressed up ". In the guise of harmless fun they are brainwashing him ... taking their chances that if not brainwashed at least something they would manage to mar.Some emotional weakness they'll be able to instill.
The lady discuss the mother's vices to her heart's content,weep in front of neighbours with the child in tow about her evilness and always ends the lamentation with "Its no fault of this poor soul that he is her child so I love him the most" followed by a torrent of  kisses.

The lady used to teach the child to run errands for his uncle and NOT for his working parents. Picking shoes for an elder is not wrong but if the child is made to do it furtively, for a specific person and is rewarded with a balloon for it, its rearing of a slave.Far worse than actually having a slave.  

Her face would beam with pride when the child would say to the mother "you are bad" and when one day, the 2 and half year old child actually kicked his mother saying "you are not my mother,I will not call you Ma"!
That Grand-mum had actually told me this with an obvious relish " My grandson loves me and his uncle the most.Arrey ..bachhe Ishwar ka roop hote hain... innocent .His 'loving' us more over her says all. Isnt it?  " 

Indeed ! 

All this for some twisted reason which atleast I was unable to fathom.
On growing up a little ,that kid did miss that unconditional and unselfish love of a mother, but as his still young mind was not mature enough to see through the tangled psyche of elders and the family politics, he slowly turned out to be a bully to her cousin sister, inviting slaps and kicks from the uncle and by the time he was in class three, he had become so habitual of that domestic drudgery, that slavery in the name of love and gratitude that he seemed at ease in that atmosphere. 

For me this family bullying is the most cruel form of  bullying and the products of such, the most dangerous bullies.

SCENE 2

The jobless father dies from excessive drinking. On that fateful night the wife,a working women, also studying for higher studies as better pay is needed for their three children, had denied to accompany him to a family function and he had to go alone.She had said in mild but firm tones in front of every-body, "Its disgraceful to dress-up and plaster fake smiles when we don't have a penny for our kids."

Mumbling, he had left . In the morning, his corpse had returned.
One months' wails and cries later, the youngest of those three kids,a 6 year old boy was visiting 'close' relatives - those who helped with a few thousands for his father's last rites.
He was given a glass of milk to drink with as much emotional ceremony as if it was a glass full of elixir shared with him followed by affectionate lamentations ranging from  "This delicate poor boy has to pay the price of his mother's  pride. "  
She is a haughty lady .
She never loved or respected her husband. 
Too much education . Job ka bhoot, she had tasted freedom...
and ....look how God has eaten her pride"


Thanks Here
The tremors of the milk glass were evident perhaps to my eyes only and I am sure that day the milk must have tasted a little salty to the boy.

Later, the child was subjected to slaps and punches as play-fun and had to polish shoes for his school going cousins while he waited for the collection of the admission fee from various quarters of kind family members.

Much later, when he, still chubby and dressed in a white kurta-payjama a size too loose for him, brought a glass of Rooh-uf-za for me in a tray , it was hard to decide what I was gulping down sweet rose water or my salty tears.
One of his kind cousins was my classmate.It was 2001.I don't know what happened to him except that he turned out as a violent person. 
 Its seldom, that such children grow up to be compassionate and understanding.Mostly they give back to the world what they had received - cruelty.


So all of you parents out there, before you step out of your home for work, please ensure your child is in safe hands of a sound mind and all you nanis, dadis, buas, mausis, chacha-chachi, tau-tai and  mama-mami - the unofficial unpaid babysitters of India on whom we, working women trust ... let's not become savage brutes.



Lets not burn childhood in the chagrin of our failures, dejections and our crashed expectations ... let's not vent our frustrations on innocent babies and children .Spare them . 
They are as delicate as dewdrops on flowers, as eager as buds in process of blooming ... 


Image Courtesy Here

Don't donate money, don't spare time.... compassion is enough.

19 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, Kokila. Compassion at home is important; it might prevent a child from becoming a bully.

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    Replies
    1. Sach mein Kiran .. I wrote this piece as I firmly believe about the Home thing. Be it compassion or cruelty, children emulate their parents or whoever is the powerful figure at home/early life...and most of the times , a branded school,accented English complete with American slangs and latest gadgets are all we think makes our child a Hero.

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  2. Very deep, intense, compassionate and thought-provoking. You have outlined the problem brilliantly but what's the solution? Family politics, family partition, image slandering are common in every society. I think, it's hard, nearly impossible to keep children unaffected from these. Please suggest an effective solution. :)

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    Replies
    1. You are right .A child can not be protected from these things forever but to make him a target or a punching bag at a tender age when all he knows is how to drool from his toothless mouth and his only expertise is in spurting bubbles on strangers ... is CRUEL.
      The solution evades me Ravish ...compassion guess compassion is the only thing which might work. In above scenes,even if the parents were wrong compassion could have saved a childhood .
      PS ... are you back or still in the realms of Mahabharata with the bigshots ? :p :p

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  3. Yes I agree bullying starts at home in a very subtle manner. Very unfortunate incidents. Often we realize when it is too late to correct it.

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    1. Yeah Indrani ..I like your using this word 'subtle' because in my post its quite evident but in real life all this is very subtle and most of the times unintentional. You have nailed the topic dear.

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  4. Completely agree with you Kokila! And indeed it is very unfortunate when these things happen at home; and very often it's too late to do anything about it because the damage has been done!
    A very well written post dearie! xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Archna :)
      No matter what type of post it is grim or sad .. your words always make me smile :) You have put it nicely and as always made me smile amid all this bullying :)
      love n cheers girl :)

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  5. beautifully written :) all the best !

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  6. So sad. All true life incidents, Kokila.
    Sorry that we have to witness all these...
    Charity begins at home. May there be no bullying of any form...

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    Replies
    1. Aptly put Anita ... that it all happens at home is the most disturbing and perhaps what makes it scarier and the scars of such uncalled and disguised sort of bullying leaves a child scarred for life. May your words ring true in near future....
      Love and wishes friend :)

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  7. Good one. A reality check for all.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Rajesh for the motivating words... Yes it truly a reality check ..

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  8. So true Kokila! Words, words and more words...and children do observe and pick it fast whether words or attitudes! I think the only way is if each and every person understands this and behaves accordingly! It is really not difficult to observe certain virtues in life, or is it? :)

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    1. I agree with you Deepa.. if only.. the biggest hurdle is this 'if only'..
      Wishing along with you that may the childhood be spared from such incidences....
      Thanks for the insightful words dear :)

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  9. You have said it very effectively, Kokila... I didn't know some of the situations you mentioned also fall under this category. It is very difficult to prevent bullying from family members... If some outsider does any harm, family is there to protect. But what about family? I think, the only solution to this is to bring awareness through media and to educate both children and adults... Hope more and more people become educated!

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    1. You are so right Sindhu ... education plays an important role in our thought process and attitude. Hope that our words and wishes would come true..Thanks for the inspiring and genuine words dear ... your words always make my day :) Thanks for it :)

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  10. This is such a delicate and persistently prevalent topic Kokila, I am so glad that you have brought out this delicate matter. I recall a situation where a friend of mine had just given birth to a baby and was feeling sad that she was a little dark skinned. A few years later when I met her, that young kid had already developed an inferiority about her skin color and was trying on make up - Imagine a kid doing that at an age of 5 or 6?! ..It makes me wonder, where are we headed!

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